


Off-Course

by scarrletmoon



Series: Off-Course [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Adulthood, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Art, Artists, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 17:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5214977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarrletmoon/pseuds/scarrletmoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sawamura Daichi loses his wallet and a <strike>really hot</strike> kind stranger finds and returns it to him. Also featuring Kuroo Tetsurou, who regularly invites himself over to Sawamura's apartment and tries to give love advice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Off-Course

**Author's Note:**

> (it took me over an hour to upload this because god tried to punish me for sinning by making sure none of my formatting transferred from google docs _and_ word)

Daichi has always tried to be a neat, organised man and being captain of the volleyball team in high school helped him master that. He has no trouble memorising names now, keeping track of important things like his own or others progress, leading, public speaking. He is competent and capable: which is why he then spends his Saturday morning searching for his wallet with increasing desperation and dread, checking all the usual spots (table by the front door, kitchen counter, living room coffee table, bedside drawer), the unusual (kitchen cupboards, behind the TV, couch cushions, bathroom), eventually tearing through his closet and the rest of his apartment and leaving a haphazard wreck of clothes, crockery and couch cushions in his wake. He sits on the edge of his bare couch with his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut and furiously thinking back to the last time he had his wallet, but also beating himself up for not putting it in a safe place before he'd passed out the night before. It's not like he has to be anywhere urgent today (other than at the store buying groceries he needed last week) but he's starting to suspect that his wallet never made it back to his apartment last night in the first place, which means that he's not only wasted an hour and a half looking for it, but some dick could be out there buying a yacht with his credit card, or spending all his money on strippers and  _cocaine_  maybe. This is why he hates going out for drinks: something always goes wrong no matter how carefully he plans everything. Someone in the party gets too drunk, or throws up, or kisses the wrong person or loses something important. He's been good at avoiding any personal misfortunes but maybe he's been running on borrowed time all along. If he thinks hard enough, he can remember glimpses of last night. His wallet had been in his jacket for most of the night before migrating to the safety of his pants pocket. At some point it had been in his hand for a while and he'd taken cash out of it - but what for? There were the tips at the bar, the money Kuroo hustled out of him that he promised he'd pay back, the taxi-

It's funny, Daichi thinks, how something that seems absolutely awful can get worse. Or how easy it is to see himself from his wallet's perspective, being tragically abandoned it in the back of the taxi and then ending up at the mercy of a stranger who's probably halfway to Fiji by now. Daichi feels hopeless and stupid and stressed but he still searches through his phone for the number of the taxi company (thankfully still saved in a list of previous calls since he can't even remember what the name of the company was) just in case.

There's a knock on the door a split second after he hits sendbut it's soon enough that he manages to cancel the call before it goes through. He cringes at the mess as he wades through a pile of books strewn all over the floor but tries to rearrange his features into something slightly above defeated misery before he answers the door.

The first thing Daichi realises after he opens the door is that the man standing there is very pretty; he has a pleasant, open face that eases a little of Daichi's anxiety somehow, and when the man meets his eyes, Daichi's shoulders relax. It's strange. He doesn't know if he likes it or not.

But it's all over when the man smiles, because the corners of his eyes crinkle and Daichi feels his heart skip and  _knows_ that this is going to haunt him for the rest of the day at least.

"Hi! Sorry if I stopped by at a bad time, but-" the man holds something up- "I found this in the back of a cab last night and thought you probably wanted it back."

Daichi stares at him for a second too long, and his smile falters a bit. "I'm Sugawara, by the way," he adds, sticking out his free hand. "Sugawara Koushi."

"Sawamura Daichi," he answers, a little dazed, shaking Sugawara's hand and simultaneously looking down to find- " _Oh_."

Sugawara's smile returns in full force and Daichi is blinded. "I've been where you are before. Someone helped me out back then too and I figured this meant that it was time to help someone else."

"I-" Daichi takes his wallet with a sort of reverence that its old, worn faux-leather doesn't really deserve. "Thank you. So much. I tore up my apartment trying to find it."

"I noticed," Sugawara says, and Daichi blushes (blushes!) and wishes he hadn't opened the door so wide. "Like I said, it's happened to me before," he shrugs. "It was kind of awful."

"Yeah," Daichi agrees. He really shouldn't have his address in his wallet and he'd always been meaning to cross it out on the little ID card tucked amongst his abandoned rewards cards but he's just never gotten around to it. But he's glad it's worked out. It's not every day that he answers the door to pretty strangers.

"Anyway, I should get going," Sugawara says apologetically. "I'm still moving in and everything's in boxes. But it was nice meeting you." Daichi tries to figure out if that means anything but he can't tell. Sugawara seems like the kind of person who'd be this nice to anyone. Daichi tries not to feel weirdly disappointed.

"You too. And thanks, really," Daichi says, and Sugawara gives a little wave before he disappears down the stairwell.

Daichi closes his front door and stands there for a while, feeling like he's forgetting something for a whole minute before he realises his mistake. Too late now - Sugawara Koushi is out of the building, long gone and out of Daichi's life for the rest of his existence probably. And Daichi never even got his  _number_.

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi runs into Kuroo in line at the convenience store. The line's long enough that Kuroo has enough time to detail his adventures after they all left the bar last night, much to the annoyance of the people around them, but Daichi is too caught up in his own thoughts to either tell him to shut up or be suitably impressed. It isn't until they're walking out together that he finally speaks.

"Kuroo," Daichi says, cutting him off mid-sentence. "I'm an idiot."

Kuroo's eyebrows almost disappear into his ridiculous hairline. "You're finally admitting it?"

Daichi turns to him and his expression is apparently so woeful that Kuroo stops walking. "This hot guy showed up at my door this morning and I forgot to get his  _number_."

Kuroo sighs heavily and rolls his eyes. "Jesus. For a second there I thought it was something serious."

Daichi kicks him in the calf as he starts moving again. "It is! You didn't see him! I lost my wallet and he went out of his way to find me and give it back! Kuroo, what the fuck, stop  _grinning_  like that, this is serious!"

"You're so cute when you're like this," Kuroo says, not taking it seriously because he's a jerk and Daichi doesn't know why he's friends with him. "You get so flustered. Imagine if the first years saw their captain like this."

"Kuroo!"

"Okay, okay!" Kuroo surrenders. "What else do you know about the guy besides the fact that you want to jump his bones?"

Daichi resists the urge to swing a shopping bag at Kuroo's head. "His name is Sugawara. Koushi, I think?"

Kuroo rolls his eyes again and seems so exasperated it looks like he's in pain. "So look him up on Facebook or something, you big idiot. I keep telling you that thing is useful."

"Oh." He hadn't thought of that. "I hadn't thought of that."

"Isn't that the first thing normal people do before they start mourning the loss of their future children?" Kuroo expertly dodges a swipe at his knee. "You'd be a mess without me, Sawamura."

Daichi doesn't want to admit it, so he just grumbles something vague that could be taken as gratitude. Kuroo grins.

But then there's just one small problem: when Daichi gets home and dusts off his abandoned Facebook account, he can't find Sugawara no matter how many different spellings he tries to put in. He tries a general Google search but he feels kind of seedy doing anything more than that even when he still doesn't turn up any credible results (there's at least one random link from an art museum he's never heard of but then the rest don't seem relevant). So he resigns himself to an evening of reclining dejectedly on his couch, watching black and white movies on a channel he didn't even know he had and being generally useless and dramatically miserable. He'll get over it eventually and he knows that, but waiting for the disappointment to fade is always the hardest part. It always makes him wish he had a harder time falling for people.

 

* * *

 

 

Monday comes, and suddenly things look up.

It's not that late, but he comes home after a long day of barking orders at people and getting orders barked at him, reeking of sweat and annoyance and wanting nothing more than to take a bath and go to sleep. He picks up his mail on the way up- mostly bills and spam again - and doesn't look at it until he's drying his hair and looking for something to eat that doesn't take ten years to make.

He reads the name on the letter, reads it again and then a third time for good measure.

He'd said he was moving. He just hadn't said  _where_.

Suddenly wide awake and more perky than he's been in months, he puts on real pants, tries to fix his still-damp hair, hopes it looks 'artfully tousled', and also feels a little dumb for putting so much effort into a trip that's only going to take him down a flight of stairs.

He hesitates in front of the door, sweating quietly, before he forces himself to knock. He just has to return something, he reminds himself. It's the good thing to do.

Sugawara answers the door and is just as pretty as Daichi remembers, face just warm and inviting, although this time he looks a little surprised.

"Hi?" He really hopes he doesn't sound as nervous as he feels. "I'm Sawamura. Again."

Sugawara looks a little dazed when he says, "I remember."

"It looks like some of your mail got mixed up with mine," Daichi continues, holding up the plain white envelope. "I thought I should give it to you."

There's that smile again, the one that has Daichi's heart skipping again. "Oh! Thanks. I didn't realise."

Daichi waves it off. "It's no big deal. I didn't realise you lived so close until now."

"Oh? I thought I mentioned it." Sugawara is shy all of sudden, peeking up at Daichi from under his hair when he says, "Do you want to come in?"

Daichi tries very hard to act nonchalant and not like he just felt a thrill on the inside. "If you don't mind?"

"Not at all."

Sugawara's living room is a mess of painted canvas, unfinished sculptures and boxes in various stages of emptiness. The TV is in a hesitant spot at the far wall of the living room (still unplugged) and anything Sugawara hasn't needed yet has been shoved unceremoniously into a corner of the living room. There's music playing from a speaker somewhere and he's halfway through shelving his books.

"I was just about to make tea - did you want any?" Sugawara asks as Daichi drifts curiously towards the bookshelf.

Now he really feels like he's intruding but it'd be rude to refuse, wouldn't it? "Yeah, thanks. Plenty of milk. Two sugars." He squints back at the books and tilts his head to read the titles already on the shelf. Sugawara has very sophisticated but generic tastes:  _Fahrenheit 451, 1984, The Shining, Red Dragon._ It's somehow disappointing but at the same time Daichi feels like it isn't quite right. They're all in English, which is impressive, but when Daichi takes one and flips to the beginning, he can immediately tell that it's the kind of adult fiction or acclaimed classic that's always put him to sleep. He's never been the biggest fan of books but he knows what he likes and knows that these kinds of books always try too hard to be gritty and sexual even when they don't need to be. Maybe it's childish but he really likes stories that're too incredible to be truly realistic.

He yelps as he steps back into a box but catches himself just before he tips it over and starts destroying things. "I'm sorry!" he says immediately, crouching down to make sure nothing's been damaged. "I wasn't looking, I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Sugawara says. He comes over with two mugs of tea but Daichi is still staring at the contents of the box.

"You read manga," Daichi sighs, relieved, which is stupid because lots of people read manga. But it looks like more than a few obligatory volumes of  _Jump_ titles collected from middle and high school.

Sugawara laughs nervously. "When I have time." He hesitates, then, "I have a few American comics too." He kind of dithers around looking for a place to put the cups down and has to resort to the kitchen counter ("the coffee table is buried under here somewhere, sorry"). He wades through a stack of boxes, stops, checks the label and picks up the one he's looking for with a small, triumphant sound.

"I sold a few because I had too many," Sugawara explains, carefully carrying the box back over to Daichi, "but there were some I couldn't really part with. Gifts or first editions and stuff, you know?"

Daichi nods because he doesn't trust his voice to come out right when Sugawara is looking at him with his big, excited eyes and slightly flushed cheeks. If Daichi thought he was cute before, he's absolutely beautiful now. This is bad.

Sugawara cuts the tape with the box cutter still tucked into his back pocket and produces several years' worth of first issues, western comic books and manga books. There're a few art books too, obviously old but in such remarkably good condition it's as if they've never been read. Daichi recognises a lot of the titles but not all of them and he wonders if Sugawara would let him borrow some of them, so he asks.

Sugawara bites his lip. "It's not that I don't trust you," he says, "I've just-"

"Had bad experiences with lending things," Daichi finishes for him, and Sugawara looks so relieved that someone understands that Daichi doesn't even feel all that disappointed.

They find their tea again and Sugawara clears some space on the sofa so they have somewhere to sit and talk and for Daichi to sink further into the hell that is romantic crushes. Sugawara likes a lot of things, Daichi learns, especially art and music without lyrics. He started learning English seriously in college when a friend introduced him to his favourite Western comics. He takes his tea black with very little sugar, likes bold patterns and warm weather. And the best part is that he played volleyball in high school.

"What, seriously?"

"Yeah, I loved it." Sugawara says fondly. "I stepped back a little in my third year because of a few things but...I can't forget what it was like to be on a team like that."

"It felt like family," Daichi says, and the way Sugawara's eyes  _sparkle_ makes Daichi's breath catch in his throat and he has to look away. "I was captain of my team in high school," he adds, before he can say something stupid.

This launches a long discussion about their mutual love of volleyball and it isn't long before Sugawara is making them second cups of tea and then is comfortable enough to keep unpacking while Daichi is still there. Daichi completely loses track of time but it's fine; talking is so easy that even lapses of silence are comfortable, as if they've always been friends. It's almost like being with Kuroo, but Sugawara exudes his own kind of warmth that feels like a fire during winter or a blanket straight out of the dryer: comforting.

Neither of them realise how late it is until Sugawara's phone rings, and Daichi sort of zones out while Sugawara answers it. He doesn't know when he got so comfortable on the couch so fast but it's almost like he's been here so often that he knows exactly where the most perfect spot on it is. He's feeling almost comfortable enough to take a nap but the sound of Sugawara cursing snaps him right back into focus like a slap.

"-shit! I'm so sorry, I totally lost track of time. I- no, it's my fault, I should've checked, it isn't fair to you, I'm sorry. I'll be there soon. No, everything's fine, I just- what? No, I'll explain when I get there. I know, I will. I'm sorry. Bye."

Daichi wants to ask but he doesn't want to be rude. Sugawara looks distraught.

"Sawamura, I'm sorry, I was supposed to be somewhere and I-"

"No, don't worry about it. I kind of invited myself in, so it's my fault too." Mostly Daichi just wants Sugawara to stop gripping his cell phone so hard - it looks like it's trying very hard not to break in his hands. "I should've checked the time."

Sugawara looks so relieved that Daichi isn't angry - why would he be, anyway? He's had to ditch Kuroo before because of things like this. Then again, he's known Kuroo for years but Sugawara's been an exception for in Daichi's mind for a whole three days maybe.

He's halfway to the door though before he remembers.

"Wait, I never…." He stops, because isn't it a weird time to bring it up? But Sugawara's already looking at him and waiting for him to finish so he can't back out. "I never got your number."

Sugawara blinks. "Oh!" He pats his pockets for something to write on. While he's looking around for a pen and paper, Daichi carefully pries his phone out of his fingers.

"This way's faster," he explains, finds his contacts and puts his number in under  _Sawamura Daichi_. Sugawara doesn't protest. They really are too comfortable.

"I'll call you," Sugawara promises and he's so earnest Daichi doesn't doubt him. He smiles.

"I'll be waiting."

 

* * *

 

 

Kuroo howls with laughter.

"'I'll be waiting'. I didn't know you were so...what's the word?"

"Shut  _up_." Daichi sinks further into his couch and scrubs his face with his hands. It's not the first time Kuroo's invited himself over and Daichi would've told him about his day with Sugawara anyway, but he somehow always manages to forget that Kuroo likes to give him grief about things like this because he's the only person who's somehow allowed to. He realises he could very well just not tell Kuroo anything but the secrets always manage to get out somehow. Kuroo just has to be the right degree of patient or insistent and Daichi's telling him everything in no time at all. "It's not like I did it on purpose and I know this is a bad time when deadlines for the holidays are coming back so I'm extra busy but-

"Seductive?" Kuroo continues as if Daichi hadn't said anything. "A Don Juan?" Daichi throws a pillow at him.

"You really like this guy," Kuroo says, except his voice is all soft and there's a smile all over his face when Daichi looks at him. There's no mockery there, at least for the thirty seconds he takes to look up from his handheld.

"Well, yeah," Daichi answers, scratching the side of his face like he does when he feels awkward. "He's...we have some stuff in common but then we like different things. He sees the best potential in people. And he's so easy to talk to, it's like...you know how it always takes a while to really warm up to someone and stop feeling like you want to run in the other direction? Or like you might be annoying them?" Kuroo nods. "I didn't get that with him. He feels...peaceful."

"Like you want to move in with him and some IKEA furniture and a cat?" Kuroo suggests and Daichi wants to roll his eyes but he can't. Kuroo glances up from his handheld, does a double take and pauses the game. "Oh, my God. You already thought about it."

Daichi covers his face with his hands and groans. This is how he always is - he always falls the hardest, cares too much too fast, loves too deeply. It's always ended up costing him the most. He still hasn't figured how to stop himself from getting hurt.

"Daichi, I say this as a friend who's seen you curled up on your couch for days watching god-awful daytime TV," Kuroo warns. He's put his PSP down, so it's Really Serious. "I think you need to take a break and slow down."

"I know." He's still covering his face with his hands. The dark behind his eyelids is comforting. "I know. I should."

"And you  _will_ ," Kuroo presses, but it's all over when Daichi's phone starts ringing and he swoops down on it within half a second. " _Daichi_."

"Five minutes," he promises. Kuroo glares. "Four. Three? Three. Three minutes."

Kuroo stares pointedly at the clock on the wall and Daichi hits  _answer_  and tries to sound casual.

"Hello?"

"Sawamura? This is Sugawara."

Daichi turns away from Kuroo because he'd rather have him stare holes into his back than his face. "Hey! Sorry about earlier."

"No, no, like I said, it was my fault." God, his voice was even calming over the phone. "Although I don't usually lose track of time like that."

Daichi tries to pretend his heart didn't stutter. "It happens to the best of us."

"True." Sugawara pauses and then, "Um. I hope I'm not being too forward-"

"Sugawara." Daichi's heart feels like it's trying its absolute best to break through his sternum. He's torn painfully between excitement and dread and the watchful eye of his best friend from across the room. "You're not. But. The next few weeks are kind of busy for me. So." Out of the corner of his eye he sees Kuroo make a face but Daichi doesn't turn around to see what kind of face it is.

"So that's something to consider," Sugawara says.

"Right."

"But it's not a no?" he continues, and Daichi smiles because he can hear how hopeful he is. He can relate.

"I'm still...open." Very open, he wants to add, so open it's going to be all I can do not to find an excuse to end up back at your apartment tomorrow night.

"Okay. I can work with that." Sugawara yawns at the end which is bad because Daichi finds it very cute. "Wow, I'm sorry. I didn't think I was this tired."

"It's okay." Kuroo clears his throat loudly even though Daichi's sure it's been way less than three minutes. "You should get some rest."

"I will. Thanks." Daichi can picture his smile and it kills him. He hasn't felt this kind of crush in years and it feels good as well as bad. "Goodnight, Sawamura."

"Goodnight."

Kuroo sighs and gives him a pointed look over his game, which Daichi pretends he doesn't see. "You are so screwed," Kuroo says, and Daichi, unfortunately, has to agree.

 

* * *

 

 

Things are going fine until Daichi checks his phone in the middle of the day and sees a notification nestled next to his email updates and reminders, telling him he has a message from Sugawara. There's a picture attachment. Daichi tries to pretend that his heart isn't thumping.

_Sorry if I already asked, but have you read this?_

Daichi squints at the blurry thumbnail that his phone has managed to reduce the picture to (sometimes his phone decides to not receive images at all, so he takes what he can get). It takes a little imagination but he figures it out a few seconds later and grins despite himself.

_Are you telling me you haven't read this?_

The response comes almost as soon as Daichi hits  _send_. He tries not to get too excited about that.

_Yes?_

_Sugawara, you NEED to read it. I'm serious._

He debates internally for about half a second before he adds,  _It's one of my all-time favourite comic series_.

Just as Daichi's trying to focus on work again, his phone buzzes with another message from Sugawara. He reads it and has to take a moment to calm down and desperately try to distract himself from the overpowering sense of longing deep in his chest.

 _Then I'll definitely read it!_ (*•̀ᴗ•́*)و ̑̑

Daichi's distracted all day, which would be fine if he didn't have to answer a whole host of important emails and phone calls and deal with clients. He does like his job most of the time (especially compared to the ones he had when he was younger) but it's days like these when he can't wait to disappear out the door. He has to keep reminding himself that Sugawara's apartment is off-limits now to calm himself down. But he wants to ask what Sugawara thinks of the book, what his favourite parts are, his favourite characters, if he found the same parts funny or sad or confusing.

Kuroo texts him almost the second Sawamura pushes away from his desk at the end of his shift.

_What're u doing tonight?_

_Going home and finishing the movie you interrupted last night?_  he answers.

Daichi's phone rings as he's waiting for the elevator. Phone signals never seem to carry well in enclosed, moving metal boxes, so he ignores it because he hates having to redial dropped calls and if it's important enough, he figures the person will call back. If they don't, he doesn't have to talk on the phone, and he hates talking on the phone. So it works, at least until he gets out of the elevator and his phone really does ring again. It seems more persistent than the last time, somehow.

"Hell-"

"I'm not letting you mope in your apartment by yourself for another night," Kuroo interrupts, "It's not right. I saw those screenshots. Someone has to protect you from yourself."

"Kuroo, I'm a grown man. I can handle it." He tries not to sound too exasperated, but he does pinch the bridge of his nose. Every second he has to spend in the lobby talking to Kuroo is another second he could be using to get on the train back home, and he doesn't appreciate being held up like this. "And I'm not going over to Sugawara's if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm not worried, I know you," Kuroo argues, and whatever playful tone was there a second ago is gone now. "I know how you get all smitten and put your crushes first without really hoping that they'll ever like you back, and I know how you beat yourself up for doing too much or too little, and now how hard you try to not let it happen again but that's just how you are. I'm trying to help you, you know."

Daichi feels kind of shitty now for being annoyed at Kuroo (he's sure the feeling will pass eventually, but for the moment he acknowledges his guilt). Daichi has other friends, from high school and college and work, but none of them have known him as long as Kuroo has or know as many embarrassing stories and important secrets. He knows that if their roles were reversed, Kuroo would want Daichi to pull him away before he did something he'd regret.

"I know. I'm sorry," Daichi says.

"It's okay. I know you're an idiot. If I cook this time, will it make you hate me less?"

Daichi laughs, just a little. "I don't hate you, dumbass."

"Good. I'm making curry. "

Kuroo hangs up before Daichi can point out that curry is pretty much the most complex thing he can make which is impressive, considering the fact that he almost started a fire making instant rice.

Kuroo is already whistling away in the kitchen by the time Daichi gets back (he got an extra key made for emergencies a few months ago and it only made sense to give it to the one person he trusts the most) so he takes a bath first and returns to find his food sitting on the kitchen counter. Kuroo is sitting in the front of the TV with his great big feet on the coffee table, watching some contrived reality TV, but Daichi feels peaceful and unstressed for once, so he doesn't complain about it. He eats at the table though, because he's a civilised human being with manners. Sugawara texts him.

 _It's amazing! (•̀o•́)_ _ง_

Daichi puts his spoon in his mouth and tries to hide his smile around it.  _I told you._

_Can I call you?_

Daichi gracefully inhales a few grains of rice and suffers through a short coughing fit that ends with Kuroo thumping his back and frowning at his phone screen in disapproval. He doesn't try to stop him though, which makes Daichi wonder if he's partially given up.

 _Yes_ , Daichi types back once he's sure that he can breathe again. It's probably the shock of almost choking to death that makes him forget that he hates phone calls, but he doesn't remember this until it's too late and his phone lights up almost immediately with a call from Sugawara.

"I know I said that I don't let people borrow my books but I'm willing to make an exception," Sugawara says, without so much as a greeting.

"Oh?" Daichi says, and tries to subtly clear his throat in a way that doesn't seem like "I'm sick" or "My last moments could've been spent choking on a grain of rice."

"I need the rest of the volumes and I know you have them," he says. He sounds like he's hooked and Daichi loves it.

"I'll have to think about it," he hedges, which launches Sugawara into a campaign of dignified and not-so-dignified begging which makes Daichi wonder if he's a bad person for enjoying it.

"I'll paint for you,' Sugawara offers and Daichi's heart skips.

"Wait, really?" He hopes he doesn't sound as over excited as he feels. "I thought you said you were too busy with commissions to work on other stuff."

"I can make an exception," Sugawara says softly.

Daichi hasto agree then because he's always been a sucker for art gifts and the fact that it's coming from Sugawara just makes it better.

He's in such a good mood that he finally, truly acknowledges what a love-struck idiot he's being and spends the night watching a hideously cheesy romance movie that Kuroo pretends he's not interested in at all, but Daichi can see how he hangs on to every word the protagonists say as if he's committing each of their lines to memory. Kuroo makes fun of him but Daichi's seen how Kuroo gets; his hair is a mess and he constantly looks like he just rolled out of bed but he's all rose petals and dim candlelight on the inside.

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara paints a broad stripe at the base of Daichi's spine and he shivers. The colours are cold but everywhere Sugawara touches Daichi's bare skin burns. Sugawara leans in to add details and his breath ghosts across Daichi's back and shoulders, resonating in his chest and pooling blood in places that have him clutching at the sheets.

"Sugawara-" he tries.

" _Daichi_ ," Sugawara drawls, a low purr that Daichi never expected but that has his heart pounding harder than he's ever felt it before, "Use my  _name_."

"I-" He gasps as the paintbrush travels down to his tailbone. "I don't think-"

"I want you to," Sugawara insists, leaning his hot palm on Daichi's waist and murmuring dangerously close to his ear. "Say it."

His breath catches halfway between a sigh and a moan as Sugawara nibbles his ear. But he's still mostly in control, at least until Sugawara tilts Daichi's waist just enough that he can paint lazy circles in the dip under his hip bone, maddeningly close but not quite. And when that isn't enough, he tucks the paintbrush between his fingers, slides his palm across Daichi's stomach and sucks hard on his earlobe and Daichi's suddenly so turned on he feels like he's going to burst.

" _Koushi_ ," he gasps, loud enough that the walls seem to echo with his name and he feels Koushi's teeth scrape his skin and his fingers slide sweetly downwards-

Daichi jolts awake, sweating and painfully hard in his own bed, alone in the dark. Once the memories settle and he realises he was dreaming, he covers his face with his hands and groans.

He's finally reached the stage where liking Sugawara has started to hurt.

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi spends the rest of his week trying very hard to not think about the dream or Sugawara in general, which gets especially difficult when his heart starts pounding every time he sees a new text from him. He makes the painful decision to limit his responses, going as far as to turn off notifications entirely for everything except his work email in order to avoid minor heart attacks throughout the day. He hopes Sugawara's kindness extends as far as being slightly ignored, but Daichi doesn't want to mess things up again with chaotic feelings and unintentional clinginess. His life suddenly becomes a whole lot quieter with fewer noises and stressful notification bubbles popping up all over his phone screen, and he wonders why he never did this earlier. He hand doesn't wander over to his phone every five seconds anymore and he's no longer plagued by the nagging reminder of the latest message. After he gets over the feeling that he's constantly missing something, he feels a lot less tense, even at work when things get busy and people try to start arguments with him. The world doesn't end and nothing comes crashing down around his ears for as long as he keeps his notifications off. He even starts turning his phone to airplane mode at night (but not before saying goodnight to Sugawara).

And yet every night he stretches out on his bed and the extra space suddenly feels a whole lot lonelier.

He shakes it off and weakly tries to convince himself that he's feeling this way because Kuroo has stopped coming over so often (he's made some vague mentions of "other plans" and "something that may or may not be important" for the past few weeks and Daichi knows he'll find out soon, so he doesn't ask too much). It's times like these - when he comes home to his dark apartment and has to turn on the TV for background noise so he doesn't feel creepy in his own home - that he really has to face the fact that he doesn't have a whole lot of friends; at least, not any friends who aren't working almost constantly or too far away to visit in the first place.

He calls his mom.

She's surprised, naturally. It's been weeks since he last checked in with her. His calls are usually pretty sporadic and he always feels bad about not having enough time or completely forgetting to talk to her, and no matter how many times she says that she doesn't care what time he calls, he doesn't like calling family after eight, which is usually when he gets home and settled after work. It's just never felt right.

She asks him how he is, how work is, how Kuroo's doing. He asks her if she's doing okay and if she needs help with anything, if dad's holding up. She goes quiet. Daichi can hear the clock ticking in his kitchen right over the low hum of the TV. His mouth is dry. He should get himself a glass of water.

"You know he's had a bad heart," she says, "how he's always worked too hard. How we can never get him to rest when he should."

Daichi doesn't answer. He doesn't think he can.

"There's an operation scheduled a month from now," she continues, and although she keeps her voice carefully level, he can hear the pain in her voice that's probably been there for weeks, and he feels regret lurch deep in his gut, guilt for not calling earlier and leaving her to deal with this alone. "He's reluctant but he said…"

"What?" His voice strains. His chest feels tight. "What'd he say?"

"He just wants to see you happy," she finishes. "He just wants to be around long enough for that."

He thinks he hears his mother's voice break, just a little, but he can't be sure because a moment later she's already telling him not to worry, that the doctor's know what they're doing and that Daichi doesn't have to come visit if he's too busy because it's not his job to parent his parents.

"I'm not a kid anymore, Mom," he insists, "I'm allowed to take care of you."

"I know." He can hear her smiling even though he can't see it. "I love you, Daichi. And so does your dad."

"I love you, too." He hopes she can feel how sincere it is. It sounds like she needs it She also sounds incredibly strained and he doesn't want to push her to talk any more than he has already, so after they say goodnight (and she reminds him to take care of himself), he hangs up.

He sits back on his couch, staring up at the ceiling and the weird stain left up there from his rowdy housewarming party and spends a long time trying to ease the sense of impending doom sitting on his chest like a lead weight. He forces himself not to cry at first - nothing bad has happened necessarily - and then thinks better of it. There's no one around to see it this time, and it'll just make it harder to cope if things  _do_ go wrong and-

He gets up, turns the TV volume up, puts on an episode of one of his favourite shows and makes dinner, even making an effort to hum along to the theme song when it plays. He's fine. Everything's fine. He's sure of it.

He has to be.

 

* * *

 

 

He can't get his stupid mailbox to open. No matter how much he turns the key, takes it out and shoves it back in again, it keeps getting stuck and the door stays closed. His mailbox is probably full of useless spam anyway since he gets all his bills in emails now, but he has a routine after work and getting his mail is part of it. He couldn't sleep last night and his coffee machine almost completely malfunctioned that morning and he feels like if one more thing goes wrong, he's going to end up curled up in a corner with his head between his knees. He already knows that he's going to back to his apartment so he can lie down and probably cry for an hour. He'd already be crying if someone hadn't just walked through the front doors by the mailboxes, so he has to force himself to keep it together until he makes it upstairs.

"Need some help?"

He wants to claw his face off but he steels himself for a painfully civil conversation with whatever neighbour is hanging around the mailboxes this time, because he doesn't want the people he lives with to think he's the one really bitter guy in the building who no one talks to.

Whoever it is already right next to him though, gently pushing his hand away from the key and turning it themselves until the lock clicks open miraculously. Their fingers are covered in paint.

"Sugawara."

Sugawara smiles, genuine and warm and soothing, but there're dark shadows under his eyes that make his smile look pained.

He obviously sees the questions all over Daichi's face because he carefully avoids making eye contact after that. "You can just call me Suga, you know," he says. "My friends do."

For some reason, Daichi's brain chooses that moment to vividly recall the dream he had all those weeks ago that ended with him crying out Suga's first name and suddenly he can barely look in the man's direction.

Sugawara clears his throat. "Anyway. How're you holding up?" Daichi is opening his mouth and about to lie when Suga adds, "Honestly?"

When Daichi stays silent, Sugawara reaches out and stops, almost like he wanted to hold Daichi's hand but thought better of it. "Do you want to talk about it?" Suga asks.

Daichi looks down at their hands. Suga's pale fingers are tinged with blue and there's a layer of dried yellow under his fingernails. Daichi's hands are darker, losing their callouses from the heavier jobs he had before he landed at the publishing office. If he dared, he could thread their fingers together easily but his heart thunders in his chest at the mere thought of touching and he's anxious to the point of nausea.

But he moves forward anyway and hooks a feeble little finger around Suga's although he still can't look the man in the face and has to keep his voice low so maybe Suga won't hear his voice crack. "Not really, but. I…" he pauses, takes a deep breath because his head is pounding, then, "I wouldn't say no if you wanted to come over."

Suga turns his hand and their palms brush for maybe an entire second but every nerve ending in Daichi's body turns right up to eleven. "Okay."

They go up the stairs in silence, which is good because Daichi doesn't have any oxygen to spare between the stairs and keeping his brain from shutting down. The biggest challenge turns out to be his own front door which poses just as much of a challenge as his mailbox because his hands are sweaty and won't stop shaking. Suga has to take the key from him again.

Daichi feels weirdly out of place in his own home, either because Suga's here or because he's felt so off lately. He even stumbles a little while taking off his shoes by the door.

"Do you mind if I use your kitchen?" Suga says. He holds a plastic bag Daichi wasn't even aware he had. He doesn't know what's in it, but he shakes his head anyway.

"Go ahead."

While Suga putters around the kitchen, Daichi goes to his room to change out of the shirt and tie he's always hated and hopes Suga doesn't mind him looking like a slob in sweatpants. He pulls on his warmest sweater, shuffles back into the living room and settles on the couch with the TV remote. He feels a little nervous having Suga here, a little raw and exposed. He made sure to leave the place clean before he left for work but the only person he's had over lately is Kuroo and that's not anyone he needs to impress. He doesn't think he has to impress Suga either but he still worries about it.

Daichi's still flipping aimlessly through channels when Suga joins him with a mug in each hand. One of them is Daichi's favourite - the orange mug with the black crow on one side, a gift from the team at Karasuno before he graduated.

"For all the coffee you're going to be drinking as a salaryman," Tanaka had joked, to cover up the fact that he was two seconds away from crying like the rest of the team.

"Sorry - should I not have picked this one?" Suga had been in the middle of handing it to him but had stopped when Daichi just stared at it and didn't take it.

"No, it's...it's nothing." He already feels bad for not being a good host and how he's freezing up. Christ. "Thank you. Really."

Suga doesn't seem convinced, which doesn't make Daichi feel any better but he can't think of anything to say. He should be the one apologising and yet it's Suga who's being the most considerate despite not knowing why Daichi's being so useless in the first place. He looks exhausted too, like it's been too long since he slept and Daichi wants to ask why but he doesn't know if he can.

But then Suga starts talking - about the comics he's reading, about drawing, painting and music, and not once does he expect Daichi to answer, or get upset when he stays silent and just drinks the tea Suga made him. Suga's voice is soothing, and so is his face and his smile and his general existence in Daichi's living room, so it doesn't take long for him to stop feeling so edgy. By the time he drains the mug, he feels warmth in his belly that isn't just from the tea.

"Better?" Suga smiles. The corners of his eyes crinkle when he does that and Daichi wonders if being in love with him is really so bad.

He carefully puts his mug down, shifts closer and leans his head gently on Suga's shoulder. "Better," he says, as if his entire body isn't humming with nerves. The problem is that Suga's sweater is soft and he smells  _good_ \- Daichi can't quite put his finger on it, but he smells warm, almost like vanilla and something faintly floral. It's so comforting that Daichi is closing his eyes before he can stop himself. He can feel Suga's heat radiating through his clothes, his breath and if he tilts his face up just enough-

"Sawamura."

Daichi opens his eyes because Suga sounds unsteady for the first time since they met. Suga shifts so that they're almost facing which means that Daichi has to stop leaning on him and start worrying that he's overstepped his bounds. The warmth in his chest starts to sink into a cold, sick feeling in his gut, at least until Suga slides his fingers over Daichi's hand and up his wrist.

"Sawamura," Suga says again, a little breathless this time. His pupils are so big they almost swallow his irises. "Can I kiss you?"

"Yes," automatically tumbles past of Daichi's lips before he has time to stop it and a second later Suga is  _there_ , his mouth soft and desperately insistent and then gone a second later. It's not enough, not nearly enough and Daichi is already following him, demanding to be kissed again and again even though his skin is too hot and he's struggling to breathe just through his nose so he parts his lips for just a second-

Suga  _gasps_ against Daichi's mouth, pulls Daichi's bottom lip so hard his teeth scrape against Daichi's skin. Suga's hands are on Daichi's waist a second later, Daichi's thumb caressing Suga's face as he climbs into the man's lap. Suga's mouth is  _hot_ and tastes as good as he smells, like the tea and something else that's distinctly  _Suga_. When Daichi curls his fingers in Suga's hair, his hands tighten on Daichi's waist in response which makes him press in harder even though they're already so close that he could probably feel Suga's heartbeat if he stayed still long enough; but Suga's tongue is pressing against his lip and he can feel his pulse pounding in his ears as Suga tilts his head licks into his mouth. Daichi meets him halfway and then pulls back and quickly sucks on Suga's tongue. Suga makes a noise somewhere between a sigh and a moan and Daichi wants to hear it  _again_. He switches to trailing a line of wet, open-mouthed kisses along Suga's throat, biting hard but not enough to bruise. Suga throws his head back, all flushed skin and red lips and a cluster of soft, indecent noises, until Daichi kisses his way back up and sucks Suga's earlobe into his mouth and Suga moans " _Daichi_ " and he has to stop because he can't  _breathe_.

It takes Suga about a second to realise what he's done and then he's blushing so hard he can almost feel the heat radiating off his face. "I meant Sawamura! I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"It's fine," Daichi says, even though it's not fine and he's still breathless and feels like he's five seconds away from ripping Sugawara's clothes off. "I mean. I'm sitting in your lap."

Suga throws an arm over his face. He's so adorably embarrassed that Daichi just wants to kiss him again, but if he doesn't take off his sweater right then he's going to overheat and die. His shirt lifts when he pulls it off and he pretends not to see Sugawara peeking under his arm before he tugs his shirt down.

"You're sweating," Daichi points out. He tugs at the first button of Suga's cardigan until he relents, uncovers his face and pulls it off. He puts his hands back on Daichi's waist and Daichi snuggles against his shoulder while Suga strokes up and down his spine.

"That wasn't...that wasn't because you're sad, is it?" Suga asks. His voice sounds deeper where Daichi is. He likes it.

"I never said I was sad."

Suga hums. "But you were."

He's right and they both know it. If it wasn't important, Daichi would dismiss it but Suga deserves the honest answer. "That wasn't because I'm upset." He plants a tiny kiss right next to Suga's ear. "I wanted it."

Daichi hadn't realised that Suga was so tense in the first place but he notices it when he finally relaxes.  
"Just checking."

Daichi's forgotten what it's like to just  _be_ with someone, how deeply craves intimacy. Nothing else matters for a while because the most important thing is right there, caressing his back and running fingers through his hair. Just breathing.

It's all great but eventually his legs feel like they're going to fall off and he's sure he's too heavy to really be sitting on Sugawara's lap this long so he has to force himself to get up sooner than he'd like. He makes an excuse out of getting water and brings back a glass from the kitchen from Suga. Even without his sweater he's very warm and very tired and mostly wants to lie down, but he doesn't want to have to kick Suga out.

But he can tell that something's wrong the second he tries to hand Suga the second glass of water in his hand. He's already bundling his cardigan into his arms, pale and distracted and a little distraught.

"Suga-"

"I'm sorry," he says, trying very hard not to look in Daichi's direction. He's trying to shove his phone into his pocket at the same time but he keeps missing. "I just... I have to go, I'm sorry."

"What? What's wrong?"

Suga looks at him like he doesn't know why he's there, like he made a mistake, like he's scared that he's done something so awful that there aren't words left in the world to explain.

"I'm sorry," he says again, and slips away without looking back.

 

* * *

 

 

"Something's bothering you."

"What?" Daichi looks up from the manuscript he's supposed to be reading. He's been reading the same line over and over for the past few minutes and has no idea what it says. He pinches the bridge of his nose and wonders if it's too early to take a break.

"Your face." Daichi always hates it when Shimizu leans over the cubicle wall to talk to him but for once he doesn't have the energy to snap at her. "You're scaring the interns."

"Aren't we supposed to toughen them up by being scary?" Daichi mutters, chewing the end of his highlighter and trying again to understand what the heck he's reading.

"You don't really believe that," Shimizu says. She pushes her glasses back up and stares like she's boring a hole right through his skull and into the thoughts in his brain. "Who's the lucky girl that you're worrying over?"

He's always hated the fact that she's got observation skills like a sniper. "Not a girl exactly," Daichi mutters, and then stops because what if he's given himself away again? It's not the first time he's accidentally come out, but every time he's tried to explain, it's been exhausting. The co-worker he'd told at his last job had patted him patronizingly on the back and said something about how "I always knew your girlfriend was just a beard" no matter how many times Daichi had tried to explain that no, he did actually like women, but he that he liked men too and had for a while. Being older than fifteen has only made explaining it harder in its own way, he's realised.

Shimizu looks like she wants to say something, but thinks better of it. "You're really tense. Lev came by this morning and thought he'd pissed you off."

"You mean the new kid who broke the copier and almost had a meltdown? "He tries to come across as friendly usually, but maybe what happened with Sugawara last night is affecting him more than he thought, even though he's been trying his best not to think about it at all. It hasn't been working.

"And you took the blame for breaking it," Shimizu nods, and then sighs. "What a heartbreaker."

"Heartbreaker?" Shimizu slips back into her cubicle and something snaps in Daichi's mouth. By the time he's pulled the pieces of the plastic pen clip out of his mouth, she's disappeared. Of course.

 

* * *

 

 

After spending his entire morning squinting at a manuscript that almost puts him to sleep, he decides it couldn't hurt to treat himself to lunch, especially since there's a small cafe he's been meaning to try out nearby that he always forgets to go to when he actually has the time for it. It's never crowded but there's always a wave of mouth-watering scents pouring out of it. The furniture is a little too old and cushy for his tastes, but they have sandwiches and coffee and he's hungry and trying not to have a breakdown before the end of the day, so he stops by.

The girl behind the counter is pretty and smiles a lot, which instantly makes him like the place more. He orders a sandwich and coffee and goes to find a seat while he waits. He has just enough time to sit down , eat, be back in time to tackle that manuscript again, call the author from last week about his edits, make sure the  _Flower That Never Bloomed_ manuscript is at the printer like it's supposed to be-

He freezes in the middle of the room, stares, and before anyone notices, quickly slips into the nearest booth. Of the all the options he could've taken, he realises a second later, that was probably the least honest and most suspicious. Sometimes his quick thinking doesn't always lead him the right direction, but when he saw Sugawara talking to someone, not introducing himself and eavesdropping instead of walking over and saying hi somehow seemed like the best idea.

This is how drama starts, Daichi thinks, although he stays very still and tries to listen over the sound of cafe's kitchen. This is how people hear things out of context and everything goes wrong.

"Your work's are getting better," a voice that isn't Sugawara's says. It sounds male. Daichi tries not to read into it, but it's hard when he's all but pressing his ear against the gap between the wall and their respective booths.

Suga says "Thank you," but it sounds so strained that even his companion seems a little distressed when he asks what's wrong. "I just haven't been getting much sleep," Suga explains. "You know how I get when there's a big project."

"Of course."

They lapse into silence and Daichi resists the urge to butt in. He at least thinks to take out his phone so he can pretend to read stuff on it and look less incriminating.

"Koushi-" the man says, and Sugawara makes a sound that either means discomfort or surprise but the man continues. "Koushi. I'm sorry-"

"Don't" He sounds so  _tired_. "Don't do this again."

"I made a mistake-"

"I know you did." There's an ice in his voice that doesn't sound like Suga and evidently the man knows that too. "Is that what you called me out here for? To come crawling into my bed again?"

"That's not-"

"I was in love with you, Hisashi, and you know that. You  _knew_ I'd come running back to you and drop everything the second you wanted me too and that's why-" He stops because his voice is shaking too much and at least one of the baristas has thrown a concerned look their way. "I'm not going to get tossed around anymore.

"You don't mean that-"

"Hisa-" Suga stops, takes a deep breath, tries again. "Kinoshita. This isn't happening again.

There's a very tense pause then, a charged, painful silence that even make Daichi uncomfortable.

"You don't need me anymore" Hisashi says eventually. "You've moved on."

Sugawara doesn't say anything, but he doesn't have to. Kinoshita packs up and roughly slides out of the booth, almost running into the waitress walking in the same direction. He leaves the bell over the door tinkling wildly, and the waitress stares after him looking a little ruffled before she makes her way to Daichi's table with his food.

It's a shame that the atmosphere has marred his first experience here, Daichi muses as he watches Suga leave a minute later. The coffee really is amazing.

 

* * *

 

 

It's  _howling_ outside; Daichi had to peek out the window earlier just to check that someone wasn't actually screaming out there. It's raining so hard the glass is rattling and he's a little afraid that it might break, but he's also turned the TV volume up and has been spending the last few minutes trying to pretend that the Rapture isn't happening ten feet away from his face. He's wrapped himself up in a cocoon of blankets and there's no one around to make him feel self-conscious about it. And it's just when he's gotten settled and started thinking about the one person who could be there to make him feel self-conscious, that he hears a knock on the door. He glares at it like it's personally offended him before he reluctantly tumbles out of cocoon to answer it.

"Kuroo?"

Daichi looks at him and remembers the time Kuroo came squelching into their room back when they were roommates in college. Daichi had been about to hound him for tracking mud and water all over the floor but had taken one look at his face and decided not to. His hair had been plastered to his head, and his eyes had been so puffy and red it'd hurt to look at. It was the same now.

"I messed up, Daichi," he whispers. His eyes are red-rimmed and his face is so pale it almost blends in with the walls. "I  _fucked up_."

Daichi steps back and Kuroo walks in, shivering and hugging his arms so close to his body that he's having trouble breathing. His hair is plastered to his head, clothes are heaving with water and he looks so pathetic and lost and  _sad_ that Daichi hugs him, even though Kuroo looks like he just jumped out of a pool. Kuroo clings to him and he doesn't cry, but he gets close.

"My mom was right-" Kuroo starts.

"No she wasn't. She never was and never will be." Kuroo nods reluctantly and then shudders. "But you need to get out of these clothes before you get sick."

Daichi takes Kuroo's hand and leads him to the bathroom. It's exactly like when they were in college and Daichi sat outside the shower and talked for the whole half hour that Kuroo stood under the hot water. This time Daichi sits on the toilet lid and talks and Kuroo gives one-word, monotone answers over the running water. Except this time at the half hour mark, Kuroo starts to fold in on himself and curl up on the shower floor. Daichi throws back the curtain and pulls him out just in time, but it scares him a little. Kuroo has been like this before, but it doesn't make Daichi feel any less panicked and afraid. It makes him wish he'd taken more health classes while he had the chance. Maybe then he'd feel less useless.

Daichi wraps Kuroo in a fresh towel and steers him to the edge of his bed. He stays upright at least, which gives Daichi the chance to dig up some warm clothes, but he still looks seconds away from finally bursting into tears. He's stressed himself out over something, Daichi can tell, something that's been bothering him for weeks that he hasn't talked about and it's eating him alive.

Daichi kneels in front of him and tilts Kuroo's chin up. "I'm going to fix something up for you to eat. Are you gonna be okay?"

Kuroo shakes his head. His lips tremble like he wants to say something, but he doesn't have the energy to speak.

"You want me to stay?" Daichi asks. Kuroo looks away, frustrated. "No solids?" He guesses, and Kuroo nods, relieved.

Suga left a whole box of teabags and leaves when he came over last, and Daichi still hasn't gotten around to giving them back. He guilty takes one anyway, promising himself to buy a new box for him. Kuroo's never been much of a fan of tea ("It's literally just wet leaves") but he hopes that it'll be as helpful for him as it was when Suga made it. He thinks there was honey in it, and a little lemon juice. It smells the same when he's done, so he hopes it's close.

Kuroo's dressed by the time Daichi returns. He's curled up on the pillows, hands tucked under his armpits and cold feet fidgeting. He starts to get up when he sees the tea (food hasn't been allowed on the bed since the instant ramen incident) but Daichi waves him off.

"Just this once," he says. Kuroo takes the cup gratefully and doesn't even wrinkle his nose at the tea smell. He takes a sip and thankfully, visibly relaxes. Daichi sits next to him and absently pushes Kuroo's hair out of his eyes. It's starting to return to his perpetual disorder as it dries. "What happened?"

Kuroo clutches the cup but his hands still shake around it. He's still processing his thoughts so Daichi keeps petting his hair and just waits while Kuroo stares into his tea like maybe it'll speak for him.

Eventually, he starts to talk, in a tiny, distressed voice that barely sounds like him.

He was in the kitchen at work, he explains, coaxing the ancient coffee machine to life and slightly hoping it would finally collapse so Ukai would give in and get them a Keurig like every other office in the 21st century. And then  _he_ had walked in ("He?" Daichi asks, and Kuroo mumbles a single name: "Kenma").

***

Kenma held up his mug - it was red, chipped, and had a cat's silhouette painted on the front, it's back arched and angry. "I was looking for a refill."

Kuroo always puts too much water and ground coffee into the machine whenever he has to make a fresh batch so there's enough to share. But since it always took forever, Kuroo expected Kenma to leave and come back in a few minutes when the machine was done. But he didn't.

"Doesn't Ukai yell every time someone does that?" Kuroo said as Kenma pulled himself up to sit on the counter.

Kenma shrugged. "I don't care." His phone buzzed and a strand of hair fell into his face as he pulled it out of his pocket. Kuroo's fingers twitched with the urge to tuck Kenma's hair back behind his ear and he felt weirdly frustrated when Kenma did it himself. It was weird comparing this Kenma to the one he'd known in high school. He was still introverted and preferred to work alone, but he seemed a little more confident now. He'd grown his hair out a little and tied it back since then and gone back to his natural black but the very ends were still faintly blond from the last time he'd bleached it.

Kuroo had realised it the second he'd run into Kenma on his first day here - his vague crush on the guy had never really faded after high school and being confronted with this new, older version (who kept his handheld console tucked into his back pocket at all times) only made it stronger. They'd started out texting each other more, and then going out together for lunch. Kenma coded and didn't mind working on things during his breaks. And Kuroo would be lying if he didn't admit that he liked it when Kenma watched him draw character designs with this fascinated look all over his face, even if Kuroo was just putting together a quick character design on the back of a receipt.

"How's coding going?" Kuroo asks because he desperately needs a distraction from his thoughts.

"Same as always," Kenma answers, absently scratching the side of his nose. "Frustratingly."

Kuroo nods and then the room is awfully quiet except for the sound of the machine. It's after lunch and late afternoon, sleepy and silent and a little boring. Kuroo glances at Kenma and finds that Kenma was already looking at him.

"Kuroo-"

"Can you move?'

Kenma stops, his mouth still forming the shape of the next word. "What?"

He's sweating and he sure hopes it's not visible. "I need a cup. And you're still in front of the cupboard."

"Oh." Kenma shuffles over but doesn't get off the counter which means that Kuroo has to lean over him slightly, close enough that he can feel the heat radiating off Kenma's body, smell whatever scent clings to his skin and near enough that his heart starts racing the minute he gets too close. It's when he's taking the cup down that he realises just how  _close_ they are, how if he just tilted his head and slowly moved in-

Kenma freezes and Kuroo suddenly realises his mistake, just as he's pushed away. Kenma's staring at him with wide eyes and Kuroo's not sure but it looks like horror. He feels instantly sick, feels his chest constrict and feels guiltier than he has in a long time.

"Kenma-"

"How long?" he asks. "How long have you been…?

Kuroo hasn't felt this scared and confused in a long time. "I...since high school? I guess? But I -"

Kenma slides off the counter and shoves Kuroo away so hard that he's forced to take a step back so that by the time he's balanced again, it's too late to apologise.

"I tried calling him but he wouldn't pick up," Kuroo explains. He's finished his tea by now and has surrendered himself to Daichi's pillows. "I texted him and told him I was sorry. That I didn't ask first and just tried to read the situation. I mean, I didn't kiss him but...it doesn't matter. He hasn't responded."

Daichi pries the empty cup from Kuroo's hands. "There's more to this."

"Why do you think there's more?"

"Because you wandered around alone in the rain for who knows how long feeling miserable before you showed up here," Daichi says, and Kuroo's lips quiver because he's trying really hard not to start crying so he covers his face with his hands, but his voice betrays him.

"They're talking about letting people go," he says, "at work. And I just know they're going to start with the people who worked on the last game because it didn't do as well and my animation has been getting worse for months." He sniffs, wet and loud and scared. "I can't afford to lose this job, not when I love it so much and it's the only thing keeping me alive and I've got so many  _bills_ and Mom called last night while she was drunk and I just wanted to-"

Daichi pulls Kuroo into his arms so he doesn't have to hide his face anymore or try to hide his tears instead of admitting that he's been stressed for weeks. He always does this. He pretends for months at a time that he's fine and then he breaks, just like this, clutching at Daichi's waist and  _sobbing_.

Eventually Kuroo is so exhausted after crying himself out that he falls asleep soon after. His whole face looks swollen but he'll feel a whole lot better when he wakes up. Daichi has to extract himself from Kuroo's arms without waking him up. And just as he's wondering what to make for dinner, he hears a knock.

***

"Sorry for dropping by without warning," Sugawara says. He only glances up for a second but he speaks to his feet and won't look at him. "I just...didn't want to be alone. I mean-" He meets Daichi's eyes finally and he sees that Suga's eyes are red-rimmed and a little bloodshot. "If you're busy I can-"

Daichi takes Suga's hand, pulls him inside, shuts the door, and hugs him. Suga instantly deflates.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I just-"

"Don't worry about it," Daichi murmurs. "It's what I'm here for."

Daichi wonders, as he leads Suga to the couch, when it's going to be him needing a shoulder to cry on. Things haven't been too awful lately but he's been afraid to call home for days even though he knows that he'd just be postponing bad news. They'd call if something major happened though, wouldn't they? Daichi hopes they would.

They sit side by side on the couch but Suga is so tense that Daichi starts to feel nervous. He keeps flipping channels in silence as the wind continues to howl. The lights flicker.

"Sawamura," Suga begins, so quietly that Daichi almost doesn't hear him over the TV and the storm. "I….about last night…"

Daichi feels like something is sitting on his chest, like a weight that's too wide and heavy for him to grab hold of and push off. He turns the volume down and puts down the remote in the space between them but stares down at his hands because it's easier than looking at Sugawara.

He's listening, but Suga doesn't continue. When Daichi glances at him, he sees a defeated man with messy hair and dark, sleepless shadows under his eyes, twisting his fingers together and struggling to get out the right words. He looks exactly how Daichi feels plus whatever extra stress that's been keeping him awake. Daichi moves closer so he can rest his palm on Suga's twisting fingers. Suga's hands relax and he slips his fingers through Daichi's. He stares at their clasped hands for a while, thinking. The lights flicker again.

"What do you think of me?" Suga says eventually. Daichi wants to smooth out the anxious wrinkle between Suga's eyebrows but he doesn't.

"I think you're someone I can trust," he says carefully. "Someone talented and kind and-"

Suga shakes his head. "No, I mean…" He squeezes Daichi's hand. "I mean  _this_. What does this mean to you?"

Daichi tries to think of how to say what he feels, but the longer he says nothing the more he knows that he can't find the words for what Suga means to him. The warmth in his chest when he sees Suga, thinks about him, talks to him; the way his whole body aches to touch him, to hold his hand, tuck his hair behind his ear, kiss his cheek; the way he feels better just  _being_ with Sugawara even when they aren't speaking. He can imagine coming home to him or waiting for him and falling into a life together that as easy as breathing and as important to him as his friendship with Kuroo. He doesn't know exactly how to put it in a way that Suga will understand, but he has to try.

"It means that you're important to me," he says. He forces himself to meet Suga's eyes because this is paramount and he can't be misunderstood. "It means that I want to be with you and I miss you when you're not here and being with you is...I want-"

Something slams against the window and they both jump. The lights flicker again, once, twice, three times and then they're plunged into darkness and the storm sounds even bigger and louder than it did before.

Daichi can't tell which one of them is holding on too tightly and his hand hurts but having someone there when everything suddenly turned off makes it less scary somehow.

"You okay?" Daichi asks. He can't see a thing until his eyes adjust to the darkness but he's very aware of where Suga is, where they're touching and the heat of his body, his breathing and his own heartbeat.

"Tell me," Suga says, and Daichi feels the couch cushions tilt as he moves closer. "What do you want?"

"What?" It's dark and Suga is too close for Daichi to think straight and he's torn between pulling Suga into his arms and scrambling away as fast as possible.

"What do you want with me?" He says, now so close that Daichi can feel the heat of his body on his skin, feel Suga's breathing on his cheek. He smells like coffee and oil paint. "Tell me."

"I want-" Daichi swallows nervously but his mouth is still dry and his palms are still sweating and now he can feel the ghost of Suga's mouth on his and his heart is pounding in his chest in anticipation. "I want you."

Daichi sighs into the kiss as soon as Suga's lips touch his. He opens his mouth easily and Suga wastes no time licking into his mouth, sliding his arms around Daichi's neck and leaning in. There's the same heat at first, like the last time they kissed, a little of the same desperation and uncontrollable arousal, so that for the first few seconds they almost knock their teeth together. But eventually they settle into a rhythm with Suga's fingers in his hair and Daichi's hands on his waist, alternating between soft kisses and lazy tongue rolls. And then there's a thunder clap, so much louder than the rest that the walls vibrate with it, and they jump apart.

"How big is this storm supposed to be?" Daichi is used to the weather getting kind of wild and he's always found thunderstorms sort of peaceful - if they stay far enough away.

"I only glanced at the weather report," Sugawara says. His voice is soft and calm but his fingers are digging hard into Daichi's arms. "It looked...bad."

Suga is clinging so tightly to him that digging his phone out of his pocket is a little difficult, but Daichi doesn't really want to make him move. The Wi-Fi is out obviously, but his phone network is still clinging to life. He knows he should probably have a radio for these kinds of things because it's less likely to die within a day but he already depends on his smartphone too much.

Suga burrows into his neck as Daichi searches around for news. It doesn't take long to find some: there's a huge storm ravaging Tokyo ("Wow, I had no idea!"), and it's gotten worse over the past hour "but isn't as bad as it could be" according to one news update that sounds suspiciously optimistic.

He relays the news to Suga who also wonders what "not as bad as it could be" is supposed to mean, and then they're back to sitting in silence, listening to the wind howl and the windows rattle as the storm takes out its frustrations on the city. But it's peaceful inside without the hum of the fridge and TV and every other static buzz bouncing around in his apartment, the kind of peaceful it only ever is when the power goes out.

"Sawamura."

"Hmm?"

"Is there another reason you didn't want to do this? Start dating, I mean. Besides being busy?"

Daichi doesn't answer straight away and he stays silent long enough that Suga starts to backpedal. "If it's difficult to answer it's okay, really, I just want to make sure that you-"

"It's not anything major," Daichi says before Suga starts apologising for things that aren't his fault. "It's kind of stupid, really."

Suga lifts his head off Daichi's shoulder and sits back so he can meet Daichi's eyes in the dim light. "Tell me."

Daichi tries to face him but he looks so deeply concerned that he just feels worse for being a coward - because that's really all he's ever been. "I've just had some bad experiences with caring too much. I was worried that I'd scare you off or that…" He can't finish.

Suga ducks his head to try and make Daichi look at him but he turns away. He's glad the lights are off really, because then it's easier to pretend that Suga can't see the expression on his face. "I was worried that you'd find someone better like everyone else always does. I'd been trying to convince myself that I was probably better off alone before I met you."

"Oh," Suga says, and that's all he says. Part of Daichi - the rational part that is logical and trusts Suga to be honest with him - takes that to mean that Suga has accepted the information and is taking it into consideration. The other part - the one that panics every time words aren't being spoken - is paranoid, miserable, and convinced that Suga is going to give up on him because he's so clearly needy and pathetic. Daichi gets far as Suga telling him that he  _is_  boring and talentless, that the kissing is nice but the sex would probably be just as insipid as his personality, and he's had enough, thank you very much.

"My fiancé cheated on me," Suga says, and Daichi is so startled that he literally stops thinking for at least half a second.

"Your what?"

"My fiancé," Suga says again. He's got this sad smile on his face like he's pretending he's over it but it's too stiff and his eyes look so tired. "It's funny actually - I'd always suspected that he loved someone else, but he told me to trust him and I did. People kept telling me that those two flirted too much considering the fact that they were supposed to be engaged to other people but I hate being jealous so I just..." Suga shakes his head. "I think a part of me saw it coming, but it still hurt."

Daichi doesn't really know what to say. He's good with words if he has time to think about them but when Suga is sitting right in front of him looking more exhausted than Daichi's ever seen anyone look, he can't think of a single word that Suga hasn't heard a thousand times already.

"They broke up," Suga continues, although the sad smile is wobbling. "Him and this girl he'd said he was in love with. So then he came back for me, apologised, begged me to forgive him." Suga shrugs one shoulder nonchalantly but drops his eyes. "You know. I thought he was sincere."

"Did you forgive him?" Daichi asks, even though he already knows the answer.

"Over and over again," Suga whispers, voice strained so it fades in out as he speaks. "He'd find someone else and then come running back to me and he knew that I'd always…" He pinches the bridge of his nose, squeezes his eyes shut. "I'd ask if he wanted to switch to something more open and he'd keep saying no, that'd just tripped up, just gone a little too far while he was trying to have fun but it would've been easier, so much easier if he'd just  _told_ me that he was seeing all of these people because then we could've worked something out but he never  _did_  and part of me started to think that the only reason why he ever came back to me was because he was deathly afraid of dying alone so all I ever was, all I could ever be was a warm body on a cold night, just something to fuck to pass the time or-"

"Sugawara." He's twisted his fingers together in his lap and Daichi gently pulls them apart, unravels the anxious knot Suga's hands have made and squeezes them between his own. "Breathe. Please."

Suga looks like he really wants to but he can't; his eyes are frantic, switching from Daichi's face to just past him, fingers twitching in Daichi's hands, lips trembling,

"I need you to promise me something," he says, so quietly that Daichi has to lean in a little closer to hear. "Promise me that if you ever fall out of love with me, you'll tell me-"

"I won't-" Daichi starts but Suga starts to tug his hands away so Daichi stops.

"You don't know what now." Suga's face crumples. "You don't know that. Don't say it won't happen when you don't know."

Daichi wants to argue with him, to tell him that he's never felt so  _sure_ about someone in his life, so comfortable and  _happy_  with anyone, but he sees the fear in Suga's eyes and knows that if it was him asking for a promise like this, he wouldn't want Suga to say that asking for this was unnecessary. He's still stupid and human after all.

"If I do," he says carefully, "I'll tell you."

"Promise me."

He takes a deep breath, steels his resolve, exhales, "I promise."

Suga smiles then, a real, very faint smile. He's shaking, just a little. When he pulls back, it fades and he looks so pale and drawn that it hurts to look at him.

"Suga, when's the last time you slept?"

Suga opens his mouth to answer, realises he doesn't know, and closes his mouth again.

"I get like this sometimes," he says, unsteadily getting to his feet, "I'm used to it so you don't have to worry about it."

"No." Daichi holds onto his wrist. His grip isn't even that tight but Suga is too weak to escape. "You look like you're going to pass out halfway down the stairs."

"Daichi," he sighs exasperatedly, "I'm a grown man."

"A grown man with boxes of comic books under his bed," Daichi says, and tugs on his wrist. "Come on. Just take a nap. Slow down."

Suga sits back down and scrubs his eye with the heel of his hand. "I have so much painting to do," he says, but he's already putting his arms back around Daichi's neck. "So many digital art commissions, and I have a deadline…"

"You'll never meet the deadline if you're dead," Daichi points out, and Suga giggles - giggles! - and sags against Daichi's side.

"You're so bossy," Suga mutters, searching for Daichi's hand and threading their fingers together.

"I've heard," Daichi says, but he's already fast asleep.

As Daichi rubs Suga's back, he realises that the storm has died down. There's a full moon tonight.

 

* * *

 

 

Daichi's happy for Kuroo, he really is, but he'd forgotten how disgusting his friend can be when he's in love with someone.

"Kuroo, if I turn around and you've got your tongue down Kenma's throat again, I  _will_  leave," Daichi snaps from the kitchen. He has his back turned but he the sounds he'd been hearing did not sound family-friendly. He's never been a real fan of watching people make out with each other.

"But it's mybirthday," Kuroo complains. "I listened to you talk about Suga relentlessly for weeks and this is the thanks I get?"

Daichi wants to punch him but he unfortunately already promised to let Kuroo be as annoying as he wants to be on his birthday. Kuroo is also on his fourth birthday shot (whiskey) and Daichi knows this is only the beginning. On the other hand, Kuroo has a bigger TV, impressive sound system, better furniture and infinitely better snacks than Daichi. It's easier to hold back his fists when he's being supplied with as much free food as he wants.

"Where is Suga anyway?" Kuroo asks. He's cuddling obnoxiously with Kenma on the couch in the best viewing space, and has been for the past half hour since Daichi got there. He hopes they won't do that in public.

"On his way," Daichi grumbles, pouring a third bag of popcorn into the biggest bowl he can find. He's only had one beer and he's starting to remember how irritable it makes him. "He says we can start the movie without him."

"But I promised I'd tell him The Kenma Story!" Kuroo yells because he's drunk and has no concept of volume control anymore.

"The Kenma story?" Kenma says. He's been very quiet but seems to be enjoying being smothered by Kuroo's affections. Daichi has been trying to pretend that he isn't jealous.

"You'll see," Kuroo says, waving his hand dismissively. "Hear. Listen? You know what I mean." Daichi has already heard the dramatic retelling of The Kenma Story. It involved Kenma confessing that he'd liked Kuroo since they started working together but had never expected it to work out. Kuroo's dramatic retelling had almost cost Daichi his coffee table.

Suga finally arrives with Kuroo's birthday present and more alcohol (Kuroo cheers from the couch when he hears there's expensive, fancy whiskey now). Suga is completely wrapped up in a coat, hat and gloves but his cheeks are still pink from the cold and it's so cute that Daichi's heart stops.

"Sorry I'm late," he says, unravelling exactly twelve feet of scarf from around his neck. "I stopped to get drinks just in case you were out already."

Suga eventually settles in (leaning against Daichi's legs) and they finally start the movie. Kuroo tells Suga the story through the previews and Suga makes all the right faces at all the right parts and Kuroo glows. It's moments like these when Daichi feels weirdly proud, like the PTA mom with the best brownies at the bake sale. Maybe not a mom. And Suga isn't food. That's a little too weird.

They're watching one of Kuroo's favourite movies, which is also one of Daichi's favourite movies. Kenma and Suga haven't seen it and Daichi has been telling Suga how incredible it is for days so he has high expectations, but for the first five minutes Daichi keeps glancing anxiously down at Suga to make sure he's enjoying it and not looking at his phone or worse, horrifically bored. He catches Kuroo doing the same with Kenma: they look at each other, realise they're being stupid, grin at each other and everything's fine again - at least until near the end of the movie when their favourite character  _dies_ and Daichi's just drunk enough that he has to stop himself from getting over-emotional and crying (he's never cried at that part, except when he's watched it drunk).

Five minutes to the end, Daichi's phone rings.

Suga gives him a questioning look when he leaves to answer it but he doesn't say who the call is from. He feels sick all of a sudden just looking at who it is. It's too late for her to be calling with good news, isn't it?

"Hello?"

"Daichi?" She sounds so tired, his mother, the kind of tired that seeps right into a person's bones.

"I'm here." His heart is pounding and his voice sounds hoarse and he feels so guilty for not being there even though his mother insisted that he stay put and not come home, but now she's all alone and probably stressed out and-

"Your dad," she says, "your dad's okay."

What?

"The surgery was….well, it took longer than they expected but it worked, Daichi." She's crying now but there's someone with her, he can hear them. She isn't alone. "He's going to be okay."

Daichi can't answer because he's on the floor, sobbing with the phone still pressed to his ear. Now that he's gotten the news he realises just how stressed out he was about this after all, how much this was bothering him the second his thoughts weren't occupied by everything else, how much he loved his father and still, even as a grown man still needs him.

"I'm sorry-

"Come and visit," she says, before he can get into a whole speech about how bad of a son he's been. "As soon as you can."

"I will," he promises, roughly scrubbing under his nose.

The door opens then, slowly. Suga appears and carefully sits next to him without saying a word, and Daichi leans against him.

"Can I bring someone?" he asks, as Suga takes his hand. "When I visit, I mean. There's someone I want you to meet."

**Author's Note:**

> it took me way too long to finish this because halfway through i started doubting that this was even good enough to publish, but i think after so many sleepless nights and angsting, i should just post it already. i had a lot of fun writing it despite all the suffering i went through. there's also 2,000+ words that go cut because it was almost entirely just smut and i was struggling to finish it when it wasn't even essential to the plot (don't worry, you sinners will see all that filth eventually)
> 
> i had to start an outtakes doc. u know u in too deep with a fic when u open up an outtakes doc
> 
> special thanks to that one jerk who kept encouraging me to finish this. i can't remember whose idea artist!Suga was, but it's probably in the chatlogs somewhere. along with all that sin you keep linking me to
> 
> ANYWAY
> 
>  ~~i hope you fuckers enjoyed watching the gay volleyball boys suffer~~ thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
>   
> _i'm so tired_  
> 


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